Wednesday, September 30

Ramblings of a Restless Mind

I've been contemplating the importance and significance of my life lately. Since getting out of the Army, I've done this quite a few times, and every time, this one included I keep coming up short. I miss putting on that uniform everyday, and have my life mean something. There is a pride and sense of honor that nobody else can even fathom. You're apart of something bigger than yourself, your community, state, but you're country. There hasn't been a single day since being discharged last October that I don't think about it. On October 10th, it will have been a year exactly.

This is generally where somebody might want to interject and say something along the lines of, "you are important". Too damn bad, none of what any of you say will make me change my mind. I want my life to mean something, be important, and to help others. Not in some bullshit kind of way. Right now, the only way I help people is getting them refills and appease their appetite.

The only job that I have seriously thought about and actually liked the idea of is being a teacher. High school math. I was good at it, and some of my high school math teachers were my most influential. It just seems that picking teaching as a career right now is pretty much signing up to be broke. They have so many finance careers, and things in that nature where after a few years you can clear $200,000 easy. I honestly just feel like I would be happier doing something where I am actually helping kids in the 1st degree.

I'm starting college in January to make the first step toward this goal.

I'm done ranting about all that. I need to get some sleep, I need to get my ass in the gym in the morning. I've really been slacking a lot lately. It's not like I haven't been yearning for the gym. I've just been letting my back chill out. It's just now starting to feel better AGAIN. I've been eating very healthy, except that I have had an incredible sweet tooth the past couple of days.

I've really been missing my ex for a while now. Then every time I go home and see him it just makes it worse. I am completely in love with him, and I actually said those 3 little words to him this past time I was home. Throughout my visit I said it a few times. He said it back to me. It's just that when I first told him he was completely shocked, and although he did say it back to me after a few minutes of rambling (in which I felt embarrassed and ashamed for actually saying how I felt. Every other time he would say it he seemed pained or forced to do so. I know he loves me, but I think that he thinks saying it out loud just cements it. Also, he dated somebody for a really long time before we originally got together, and again after we broke up the first time. I know this girl really broke his heart, and maybe he is scared to put himself out there. Maybe I'm all wrong about all of this, and am just being over analytical. I just know that I miss him.

Let me give a brief background of me and him. We met and started dating December 2007. Broke up in April 08 when I left for the Army. We saw each other for a few weeks when I got injured and had to come home. He was still with his gf, but we never did anything but kiss. We got in a fight one night about us, his gf, and it boiled down to he chose her. When I got out of the Army, I moved away from home within a month of being discharged. Mostly just to start a new life, but stuck in there with reasons a,b, and c was him, and being so close to him, and not actually being with him was just going to be too hard for me. While living here in KY I wrote him a letter, and he called me in response. I found out that the other woman cheated on him, and he made some references to us breaking up being a huge mistake. My thought was "KARMA". I know we've had a very tumultuous past, but I am speaking for the both of us on this that we are just crazy about each other, and when we were together I can honestly say that he made me ridiculously happy, and I miss that. So once we started talking again I've gone down to NC every month or so since May. This past time was mostly to see him. Its crazy that no matter how many times I see him, or however long I've known him. Every single time I see him walk into a room my heart starts racing, and my stomach does tiny little flips, and I can feel this huge grin just spread across my face, i know it lights up like a Christmas tree.

I'm not exactly sure whats going on with us. He knows how I feel about him, and vice-versa. I am willing to wait to be with him again, and am completely willing to do the long distance thing. I just don't know if he would want that. I'm just so scared that he's going to find somebody else. I can't even begin to explain how that day last June was honestly the worst day of my life, and I never want to have to go through anything remotely similar to that.

I love Louisville, so much. I really don't wanna go back to my hometown. I do miss my family, friends, and obviously the ex. My parents are absolutely in love with Louisville and have mentioned that they would like to move here, because they definitely don't want to retire in Ft. Bragg/ Fayetteville. If I could just transport all the people I care about here then I think everybody would like that better. Due to certain obligation he has in back home he cant move here anytime soon. I'm trying to get him to visit, I know that he will honestly fall in love with the place. Everybody else I know has.

Wow, I can't believe I've rambled about this guy, and job I no longer have for this long. For anybody actually reading this (I doubt there are actually people who read this) sorry for the rant, but I've really been needing to clear my head for some time now, and nobody ever wants to listen to this kind of stuff.

While I was home, my friend Larissa who is an amateur photographer took some really cool photos of me at the abandoned Rockafeller mansion. I will post them tomorrow, not sure if to do it Gallery or Slideshow style. I shall decide tomorrow. Goodnight all

Thursday, September 17

Homemade Spaghetti Sauce and Margaritas on my roof

Last night after work, I waited on a friend to get off, and we came back to my place to hang. Since everybody at work knows I'm a vegetarian, most have avoided my cooking since it lacks Misery & Death. I've made food for some of them a few times. So I was in the mood to cook at 11 PM, I have an evening job. It gets kinda lonely always cooking for just yourself.

I decide to make some Gluten free Spelt Spaghetti, and I wanted to prove my prowess in the kitchen so my sauce is from scratch. 2 cans tomato sauce, 1 can tomato paste, and one large can peeled and stewed tomatoes. I added in a tube of the Gimme Lean sausage, and some minced garlic. Then a whole bunch of spices, oh yeah I also put in one of my favorite things of all time hot sauce. I would of loved to add in mushrooms, olives, and onions, but I literally created this in about 15 minutes start to finish. It was delicious. It almost reminded me of my mommas.

Martha and me ate, made a couple of margaritas. Popped the screen outta my living room window and climbed onto the first story roof of my building. Hung out, drunk the tequila thats been in my fridge for like 3 months now, and talked till about 4 in the morning. It was a blast.

My friend Martha and I work at a nice Italian restaurant, and my Spaghetti with "meat" sauce was way better, and way better for you. Sorry, no pics. It made for delicious leftovers today too, and tomorrow.

I've been pinching every dime I can lately. I am SOOO broke, its just not even funny. So I haven't gone out to get drinks with friends lately, no shopping. I'm gonna apply for a second job tomorrow. I have a few places in mind. I know the cheapest places to get all the stuff I buy. The only stuff I'm willing to pay high prices for are my organic veggies, and healthy foods. I've actually found some good-for-ya foods at Big Lots, and they are crazy CHEAP too. I know that sounds odd, but check it out. Then TJ Maxx has a lot of sauces, dressings, and things of nature from Trader Joes. I wish there was a Trader Joes close to Louisville.

I'm hoping to make a trip up to Cincinatti to the Ikea store in the next couple of weeks. I bought what I thought were these glass paneled lights that mount to the wall. I actually only bought the the glass panels, I didnt get the mounting wall brackets or the invisi-cords. I know I won't be able to make the trip to Cinci for at least a month or so.

I've been writing this blog for about 2 1/2 hours now. I was watching TrueBlood, and now I'm finishing up The Express. Not Pineapple Express. This movie is SOOOOOOO GOOD. I recommend it to everyone. It's just about over, so goodnight all.

Monday, September 14


My days lately seem to blend all together lately. I worked out, did laundry, bank, chiropractor, work, dinner, dishes, TV.

For dinner I made some Morningstar Veggie Ribs, and then I had a Tofutti Cutie for dessert.

Nothing special going on in my life. I was talking to a guy but that fizzled out as fast as it started. It upsets me, I did and still do like him. He apparently doesn't feel the same way. So, what can ya do.

I'm pretty pissed about one thing though. One of my two best friends is getting married. But she didn't tell me, or answer any of my phone calls today. I found out from Facebook. What happened to actual human communication. I understand letting somebody that you're not all that close with know via FB, but she is my best friend, don't you think that letting me know is somewhat important?

I sometimes think back on the way my life used to be. When I was wild and crazy, life was a blast, and there was always a good story to be told. Now I feel boring, and more often than not I just wanna go home to my apartment, and chill, no drinking. I just miss it sometimes, you know. Most of the time I'm content, but I think all this goes back to me just missing NC, and the life I had there.

Sunday, September 13


I gotta start getting ready for work now, but I love procrastination. This vegan thing is going to be a lot harder than I originally thought, but I'm still going forward with my decision. I'm just going to wait until I've used up all the items previously bought, like my eggs and some of the tuna I have left, and my little bit of cottage cheese. I will miss goat cheese though, they went awesome on my eggplant paninis. I figured since I already paid for them I should finish them, and not be wasteful.

Found this on Mari'sblog.

I'm really hoping to see a guy after work tonight, probably not gonna happen though. He is still outta town, I'm just hoping he comes back tonight. If not I'll watch my Trueblood and Entourage by myself, and quite possibly do a pedicure and face mask. Either way it sounds like a goodnight. Now I must get ready for work

Saturday, September 12

Huge life decision

It is just today that I have decided to not only cut out fish, but go completely Vegan. This has been a decision I have been wanting to make the leap to for a while now. About half this decision is based on the way these animals are treated. Even the ones that are used for eggs, or milk, and it makes me sad. My second reason is health benefits. I don't see this as a huge change from my current diet. I already choose Soy or Almond milk, Veganaise, and am a huge fan of Tofutti ice cream, cream cheese, and sour cream alternatives.

I made the most awesome dinner ever the other night. It was my first time trying Seitan, it was chicken style. I tossed it in a ginger-peanut sauce. Then I wilted some Kale, tossed in my Seitan, a julienned red pepper, mushrooms, baby carrots, and some minced garlic. I served it over some Basmati rice. It was the best stir-fry EVER.

I have access to my brothers completely amazing camera right now. So here are some pics of I've taken previously.

I made some Shrimp Etouffee a few months ago, here are some pics of it:

Now here are a few pics of my living room and some art work in it.