Wednesday, September 30

Ramblings of a Restless Mind

I've been contemplating the importance and significance of my life lately. Since getting out of the Army, I've done this quite a few times, and every time, this one included I keep coming up short. I miss putting on that uniform everyday, and have my life mean something. There is a pride and sense of honor that nobody else can even fathom. You're apart of something bigger than yourself, your community, state, but you're country. There hasn't been a single day since being discharged last October that I don't think about it. On October 10th, it will have been a year exactly.

This is generally where somebody might want to interject and say something along the lines of, "you are important". Too damn bad, none of what any of you say will make me change my mind. I want my life to mean something, be important, and to help others. Not in some bullshit kind of way. Right now, the only way I help people is getting them refills and appease their appetite.

The only job that I have seriously thought about and actually liked the idea of is being a teacher. High school math. I was good at it, and some of my high school math teachers were my most influential. It just seems that picking teaching as a career right now is pretty much signing up to be broke. They have so many finance careers, and things in that nature where after a few years you can clear $200,000 easy. I honestly just feel like I would be happier doing something where I am actually helping kids in the 1st degree.

I'm starting college in January to make the first step toward this goal.

I'm done ranting about all that. I need to get some sleep, I need to get my ass in the gym in the morning. I've really been slacking a lot lately. It's not like I haven't been yearning for the gym. I've just been letting my back chill out. It's just now starting to feel better AGAIN. I've been eating very healthy, except that I have had an incredible sweet tooth the past couple of days.

I've really been missing my ex for a while now. Then every time I go home and see him it just makes it worse. I am completely in love with him, and I actually said those 3 little words to him this past time I was home. Throughout my visit I said it a few times. He said it back to me. It's just that when I first told him he was completely shocked, and although he did say it back to me after a few minutes of rambling (in which I felt embarrassed and ashamed for actually saying how I felt. Every other time he would say it he seemed pained or forced to do so. I know he loves me, but I think that he thinks saying it out loud just cements it. Also, he dated somebody for a really long time before we originally got together, and again after we broke up the first time. I know this girl really broke his heart, and maybe he is scared to put himself out there. Maybe I'm all wrong about all of this, and am just being over analytical. I just know that I miss him.

Let me give a brief background of me and him. We met and started dating December 2007. Broke up in April 08 when I left for the Army. We saw each other for a few weeks when I got injured and had to come home. He was still with his gf, but we never did anything but kiss. We got in a fight one night about us, his gf, and it boiled down to he chose her. When I got out of the Army, I moved away from home within a month of being discharged. Mostly just to start a new life, but stuck in there with reasons a,b, and c was him, and being so close to him, and not actually being with him was just going to be too hard for me. While living here in KY I wrote him a letter, and he called me in response. I found out that the other woman cheated on him, and he made some references to us breaking up being a huge mistake. My thought was "KARMA". I know we've had a very tumultuous past, but I am speaking for the both of us on this that we are just crazy about each other, and when we were together I can honestly say that he made me ridiculously happy, and I miss that. So once we started talking again I've gone down to NC every month or so since May. This past time was mostly to see him. Its crazy that no matter how many times I see him, or however long I've known him. Every single time I see him walk into a room my heart starts racing, and my stomach does tiny little flips, and I can feel this huge grin just spread across my face, i know it lights up like a Christmas tree.

I'm not exactly sure whats going on with us. He knows how I feel about him, and vice-versa. I am willing to wait to be with him again, and am completely willing to do the long distance thing. I just don't know if he would want that. I'm just so scared that he's going to find somebody else. I can't even begin to explain how that day last June was honestly the worst day of my life, and I never want to have to go through anything remotely similar to that.

I love Louisville, so much. I really don't wanna go back to my hometown. I do miss my family, friends, and obviously the ex. My parents are absolutely in love with Louisville and have mentioned that they would like to move here, because they definitely don't want to retire in Ft. Bragg/ Fayetteville. If I could just transport all the people I care about here then I think everybody would like that better. Due to certain obligation he has in back home he cant move here anytime soon. I'm trying to get him to visit, I know that he will honestly fall in love with the place. Everybody else I know has.

Wow, I can't believe I've rambled about this guy, and job I no longer have for this long. For anybody actually reading this (I doubt there are actually people who read this) sorry for the rant, but I've really been needing to clear my head for some time now, and nobody ever wants to listen to this kind of stuff.

While I was home, my friend Larissa who is an amateur photographer took some really cool photos of me at the abandoned Rockafeller mansion. I will post them tomorrow, not sure if to do it Gallery or Slideshow style. I shall decide tomorrow. Goodnight all

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